The Parenting Pyramid
from
Arbinger Institute
Have you ever wondered why you just don't seem to be connecting with your children?
Ask yourself these questions.
Am I correcting without teaching?
What is the quality of my relationship with my child?
What is the quality of my relationship with my spouse?
How pure is my way of being?
I like this visual model called "The Parenting Pyramid" from The Arbinger Institute. It represents the areas we need to be focused on to develop good relationships, especially with our children. It shows where we should be spending most of our parenting time. But when asked, most parents confess they spend most of their time correcting their children and much less time in the other areas. If we follow this model it's clear that we should be spending most of our time in the bottom sections of the pyramid.
Personal Way of Being
Our personal way of being is the most important and the first thing we should be focused on in order to improve our parenting style and success. We need to learn to have an outward mindset. This allows us to have a "heart at peace". When our heart is at peace towards ourselves and others we have a solid foundation to build on. For more information on how to do this, here are two excellent reads!
Relationship with our Spouse
I guess I didn't realize how important the relationship with my spouse was in my success towards parenting our children, but who else has more influence on them, so it makes sense. Building a relationship with those who have influence upon our children helps us have a better relationship with them. When this person is their other parent, it provides a more secure foundation for both parent and child as they develop their relationship.
"Mother and father loving each other provides a stable environment in which a child can grow and thrive. It also gives the child two great role models, who show him/her how to treat one another and have great and loving relationships. Loving the child but not his/her mother (or father) does the opposite. It creates conflict and an unstable environment for the child, with all the negative consequences generated by instability" (Hans de Ruiter).
Parent Child Relationship
Aha!Parenting.com shares 10 ways we can work on connecting with our children. Aim for 12 physical connections every day, play, turn off technology, connect before transitions, one on one time, welcome emotion, listen and empathize, savor the moment, bedtime snuggle and chat, show up. Pick a few of these and get started.
Teaching
The next level of the pyramid is teaching. Boyd K Packer a master teacher has said we should not approach teaching in a "Ready or not you shall be taught" attitude but rather prepare ourselves to teach when our children are ready to learn. This takes careful observation of their temperaments and a willingness to adapt to their needs rather than focusing only on our desires. It makes sense that building a good relationship with them is needed before this step will be successful. (Packer, Ensign, Dec 1977)
Correcting
When we approach parenting in this manner, we will find that we spend much less time correcting our children. The correction we do engage in will be an outgrowth of our teaching. Because we have taken the time to observe, play with, love, and nurture our children, they will be more willing to understand when corrections need to be made.
More about the Parenting Pyramid
So often we ask ourselves, "what can we do now that things have gone wrong?" This is not a bad question. The Parenting Pyramid is the answer. We can go from asking that question all the time to focusing on this one. "How can we help things go right?" The answer to the challenge we are facing in one area of the pyramid ALWAYS lies below that area of the pyramid. If I am not being successful in one area I need to look below that area and make sure the lower areas are strong to provide the foundation needed to progress to the other areas.
(Schramm, 2021)
References
Arbinger Institute. (2006). The anatomy of peace: Resolving heart conflict. Berrett-Koehler Publishers.
DWECK, C. A. R. O. L. (2017). Mindset - updated edition: Changing the way you think to fulfil your potential. ROBINSON.
Schramm, D. (2021, April 16). Parenting pyramid | dr. Dave Schramm | thrive in five. The Parenting Pyramid. Retrieved February 11, 2023, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NothdeMIggw&t=3s
Those close moments that make our hearts melt are what makes parenting worth all the sacrifices. (n.d.). Retrieved February 11, 2023, from https://www.ahaparenting.com/read/10-habits-to-stay-connected-to-your-child
I really like this blog spot. First of all, we need more people to stand up for families. Second, we need to improve the way that we parent so that we can have strong families. Thank you for the blog and look forward to seeing more of this! Many blessings!!!!!
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