Everyone has emotions. As adults we've had years to learn to handle our emotions, but children may be experiencing some powerful emotions for the first time. They need help learning about emotions just as they need help to learn the other skills that we teach them as parents, however teaching children about emotions often gets ignored. This makes sense because many parents have not been taught to acknowledge, accept, and direct, their own emotions which they don't know how to handle and so have ignored in themselves. This is an important skill to learn because children learn by watching us, and through our teaching efforts. Dr. John Gottman says that the first step to emotion coaching is to ask ourselves how we feel about emotions? He calls this Meta-emotion which is how we feel about feelings. "What do we think about them? What is our attitude towards specific emotions? Do we think they are a good thing or that they really mess things up?" Gottman, J. M. (2004). What am I feeling? Parenting Press. The way we feel about emotions effects the way we teach our children about emotion. Gottman, widely known for his work with couples, conducted a study at the University of Illinois and then at the University of Washington, in which he found that "Meta-emotion mismatches between parents in that study predicted divorce with 80% accuracy". This inspired him to find out more about how to help couples and children as well. If you would like to learn more about Gottman's research follow the links. Shapiro, Alyson F., Gottman, John M., Fink, Brandi C (December 2015) Short-Term Change in Couples’ Conflict Following a Transition to Parenthood Intervention, American Psychological Association;
"Basic emotions are the same across species and experienced the same way, like colors on a pallet but the way we feel about them differs between people" (see Gottman, 2004).
Lets take a look at some different styles of parenting when it comes to handling their children's emotions.
Four Parenting Styles and Their Effects on Children
from Gottman Institute
The Dismissing Parent
"They learn that their feelings are wrong, inappropriate, not valid. They may learn that there is something inherently wrong with them because of the way they feel. They may have difficulty regulating their own emotions."
The Disapproving Parent
"They learn that their feelings are wrong, inappropriate, not valid. They may learn that there is something inherently wrong with them because of the way they feel. They may have difficulty regulating their own emotions."
The Laissez-Faire Parent
"They don’t learn to regulate their emotions. They have trouble concentrating, forming friendships, and getting along with other children."
The Emotion Coach
"They learn to trust their feelings, regulate their own emotions, and solve problems. They have a high self-esteem, learn well, and get along well with others."
"Children who understand the importance of emotions and know how to communicate their feelings, will be better able to manage life's challenges." (Gottman, 2004)
Although we all want to be good parents, we may struggle because we weren't emotionally coached as children and may have negative feelings about emotions ourselves. If you want to see what type of parenting style you have take this quiz. Remember we can all learn and grow.
Five Steps of Emotion Coaching
Emotional Awareness
"Being aware of emotions, both yours and your childs. When we are aware of our own emotions its a lot easier to help our children be aware of theirs.
Connecting
Recognizing emotional moments as times to draw close to your child and help them understand that their emotional feelings count.
Listening with Empathy
If your child does not feel criticism, disapproval, or indifference your child will be more willing to share his feelings and work through them for a solution.
Naming Emotions
By naming feelings you are helping your child build their emotional vocabulary. This allows him to talk about his emotional feelings with those who can help.
Finding Good Solutions
Starts with setting limits. Helping your child find better solutions."
(GroupworkSolutions, 2020)
This video, based on Dr. John Gottman's book What Am I Feeling?, is full of explanations and examples, both right and wrong, of how to coach your child emotionally. It also discusses why it is so important. I hope you take time to watch it. It is excellent!! It also reassures us that not even parents that use emotion coaching do it one hundred percent of the time. Be patient with yourself as you learn to put emotion coaching into your parenting.
(GroupworkSolutions, 2020)
“Much of today’s popular advice to parents ignores emotion,” says Dr. Gottman. “Instead it relies on child-rearing theories that address children’s misbehavior, but disregards the feelings that underlie that misbehavior. The ultimate goal of raising children should not be simply to have an obedient and compliant child. Most parents hope for much more for their children.https://www.gottman.com/about/research/parenting/
Best of luck as you strive to become an even better parent!
References
Gottman. (2020, April 7). Parenting - Research. The Gottman Institute. Retrieved
February 11, 2023, from https://www.gottman.com/about/research/parenting/
Gottman, J. (2021). The four parenting styles - The Gottman Institute. The Gottman Institute. Retrieved February 11, 2023, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-parenting-styles/
The Gottman Institute. (2021, February 4). Quiz: What style of parent are you? . The Gottman Institute. Retrieved February 11, 2023, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/what-style-of-parent-are-you/
Gottman, J. M. (2004). What Am I Feeling. Parenting Press.
YouTube Gottman Institute . (2020). Emotion Coaching. YouTube Emotional Coaching. Retrieved February 11, 2023, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jWJlRTi7YH8&t=4s.
In his book Between Parent and Child, Dr. Haim Ginott shares, “Certain patterns of relating to children are almost always
self-defeating; not only do they fail to attain our long-term goals, but they
often create havoc at home here and now" (Ginott, 2003) This Blog will focus on 5 of these.
1I Triple Dog Dare You!
Jody walked into the room and found 3-year-old Sally writing on the wall with her crayon. She took the crayon, sat Sally at the
table with some paper. “We only color on paper!” She said firmly. A few minutes
later Sally was coloring on the wall again. This time Jody took all the
crayons and put them where Sally could not reach them. “Only on paper” she repeated. Sally learned that if she wanted to use the crayons, she could not color on
the walls. This way of teaching children is much more effective, it avoids the
fight that usually arises from repeatedly threatening to remove the privilege, toy or dessert. If you’re going to do it, just do it. This also protects you from ever saying
you will do something you would never do, which is not ever a good idea.
Threatening
children strengthens their desire to prove their autonomy. Autonomy is a deep
need we all have. If you really don’t want something done, don’t say “I triple dog dare
you” in so many words.
2Bribe Now, Pay Later
Using If-Then wording only conditions children to expect to
be rewarded for “good “behavior. Rewards are best done as surprises after the
good behavior. It shows appreciation rather than doubt. If- then statements
tell children you don’t believe they will do what you have requested without
some kind of reward. If children get used to being rewarded for everything they
should naturally do, you will pay for it in the end. It's much better to keep quiet until you catch
them doing something right. Remember
your reward doesn’t have to be physical. You might say, “Because you made your
bed, I had time to get everything done I needed to do today! How would you like
to play a game of checkers?”
3Promises Can Be Painful
“But you Promised!!” We’ve all heard those heartbreaking words
from our children. They simply don’t have the ability to understand that we don’t always control the world, the weather, the schedule. After all, we do usually control
theirs.
“Since life is not without mishaps children come to feel
betrayed and convinced that parents cannot be trusted” when the thing they have
set their heart on has to be postponed....When parents must make promises to emphasize that they mean
what they say, then they are as much as admitting that their “un-promised” word
is not trustworthy" (Haim G Ginnot, Between Parent and Child, Pg. 61).
What intelligent parent can’t get this through his thick
skull? If I tried to teach you something after beginning with that statement.
Where would your mind be. I think it would be so busy finding some fault in me and coming up with some snotty
retort in return, that you wouldn’t hear a thing I said.
“Parents may not be aware that sarcastic statements are
attacks that invite counter attacks". (Ginott, 2003)
"Bitter sarcasm and cutting clichés have no place in child
upbringing. It is best to avoid statements such as “What makes you think you
know all the answers? You don’t even have the brains you were born with. You
think you’re so smart!” Wittingly or unwittingly, we should not deflate the
child’s status in his own eyes and in the eyes of his peers. Such comments
block communication by stirring children to preoccupation with revenge
fantasies” (Ginott 2003).
5Less is More
“Every parent needs to learn economical methods of
responding to children, so that minor mishaps do not turn into major
catastrophes” (Ginott, 2003).
Be Brief:
“Al’s mother was saying goodbye to visitors in the driveway,
eight-year-old Al ran up with a long tearful complaint against his older
brother: “Whenever I have a friend over, Ted finds an excuse to tease us. He
never leaves us alone. You have to stop him! In the past she would have yelled
at Ted, this time she looked at Ted and said, “Ted, you choose. You can get the
usual lecture or take care of the complaint yourself.’’ Ted laughed and
answered, “Okay, Mom, I’ll bug off.’’ This brief reply prevented a futile
argument” (Ginott, 2003).
Use Humor:
If your child seems to be criticizing you, why not respond
with, “I did something right once. I produced you”. This may express your authority with “humor
and brevity” (Ginott, 2003).
Try Selective Silence:
This method allows children the time to think of the very
things we would normally be lecturing on. Lenny was struggling through his
second math page. The day before had been spent playing in the snow instead of
doing his homework. Now he was stuck, he dejectedly approached his mother to
ask for help. She said, “You are frustrated that you have math, and you would
rather be playing.” “Yes.” “You are angry because you can’t figure out the
problems quickly.” “Yes” Lenny turned to his book pointing out the problem in
question. Mother gave an explanation. Later Lenny confided in Dad, “I wish I
hadn’t spent so much time playing yesterday, then I wouldn’t have had so much
to do today.” Lenny gave himself the lecture his parents normally would have
given.
References
Ginott, H. G., Ginott, A., & Goddard, H. W. (2003). Between parent and child: The bestselling classic that revolutionized parent-child communication. Three Rivers Press.
