The Single Most Important Parenting Strategy | Becky Kennedy | TED

https://youtu.be/PHpPtdk9rco?si=g8wVVvw8CVP-QfTG

Shephard VS Engineer

Dr. Russel Barkley shares his view of parenting. Something really interesting to think about so you can get rid of guilt and focus on your parenting potential. see Temperaments 

 Shephard VS Engineer

Emotion Coaching

Emotion Coaching

Everyone has emotions. As adults we've had years to learn to handle our emotions, but children may be experiencing some powerful emotions for the first time. They need help learning about emotions just as they need help to learn the other skills that we teach them as parents, however teaching children about emotions often gets ignored. This makes sense because many  parents have not been taught to acknowledge, accept, and direct, their own emotions which they don't know how to handle and so have ignored in themselves. This is an important skill to learn because children learn by watching us, and through our teaching efforts. Dr. John Gottman says that the first step to emotion coaching is to ask ourselves how we feel about emotions? He calls this Meta-emotion which is how we feel about feelings. "What do we think about them? What is our attitude towards specific emotions?  Do we think they are a good thing or that they really mess things up?" Gottman, J. M. (2004). What am I feeling? Parenting Press. The way we feel about emotions effects the way we teach our children about emotion. Gottman, widely known for his work with couples, conducted a study at the University of Illinois and then at the University of Washington, in which he found that "Meta-emotion mismatches between parents in that study predicted divorce with 80% accuracy". This inspired him to find out more about how to help couples and children as well. If you would like to learn more about Gottman's research follow the links. Shapiro, Alyson F., Gottman, John M., Fink, Brandi C (December 2015) Short-Term Change in Couples’ Conflict Following a Transition to Parenthood Intervention, American Psychological Association; 

"Basic emotions are the same across species and experienced the same way, like colors on a pallet but the way we feel about them differs between people" (see Gottman, 2004).

Lets take a look at some different styles of parenting when it comes to handling their children's emotions.

Four Parenting Styles and Their Effects on Children

from Gottman Institute

The Dismissing Parent

"They learn that their feelings are wrong, inappropriate, not valid. They may learn that there is something inherently wrong with them because of the way they feel. They may have difficulty regulating their own emotions."

The Disapproving Parent

"They learn that their feelings are wrong, inappropriate, not valid. They may learn that there is something inherently wrong with them because of the way they feel. They may have difficulty regulating their own emotions."

The Laissez-Faire Parent

"They don’t learn to regulate their emotions. They have trouble concentrating, forming friendships, and getting along with other children."

The Emotion Coach

"They learn to trust their feelings, regulate their own emotions, and solve problems. They have a high self-esteem, learn well, and get along well with others."

Find more details click here

:https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-parenting-styles/

(Gottman, 2021)

.

"Children who understand the importance of emotions and know how to communicate their feelings, will be better able to manage life's challenges."  (Gottman, 2004)

Although we all want to be good parents, we may struggle because we weren't emotionally coached as children and may have negative feelings about emotions ourselves. If you want to see what type of parenting style you have take this quiz. Remember we can all learn and grow.

Five Steps of Emotion Coaching

Emotional Awareness

"Being aware of emotions, both yours and your childs. When we are aware of our own emotions its a lot easier to help our children be aware of theirs.

Connecting

Recognizing emotional moments as times to draw close to your child and help them understand that their emotional feelings count.

Listening with Empathy

If your child does not feel criticism, disapproval, or indifference your child will be more willing to share his feelings and work through them for a solution.

Naming Emotions

By naming feelings you are helping your child build their emotional vocabulary. This allows him to talk about his emotional feelings with those who can help.

Finding Good Solutions

Starts with setting limits. Helping your child find better solutions."  

(GroupworkSolutions, 2020)

This video, based on Dr. John Gottman's book What Am I Feeling?, is full of explanations and examples, both right and wrong, of how to coach your child emotionally. It also discusses why it is so important. I hope you take time to watch it. It is excellent!! It also reassures us that not even parents that use emotion coaching do it one hundred percent of the time. Be patient with yourself as you learn to put emotion coaching into your parenting.   

(GroupworkSolutions, 2020)

“Much of today’s popular advice to parents ignores emotion,” says Dr. Gottman. “Instead it relies on child-rearing theories that address children’s misbehavior, but disregards the feelings that underlie that misbehavior. The ultimate goal of raising children should not be simply to have an obedient and compliant child. Most parents hope for much more for their children. https://www.gottman.com/about/research/parenting/

Best of luck as you strive to become an even better parent!

References

 Gottman. (2020, April 7). Parenting - Research. The Gottman Institute. Retrieved 

         February 11, 2023,     from https://www.gottman.com/about/research/parenting/

Gottman, J. (2021). The four parenting styles - The Gottman Institute. The Gottman Institute. Retrieved February 11, 2023, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-parenting-styles/

The Gottman Institute. (2021, February 4). Quiz: What style of parent are you? . The Gottman Institute. Retrieved February 11, 2023, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/what-style-of-parent-are-you/

 Gottman, J. M. (2004). What Am I Feeling. Parenting Press.

YouTube Gottman Institute . (2020). Emotion Coaching. YouTube Emotional Coaching. Retrieved February 11, 2023, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jWJlRTi7YH8&t=4s.

A Handful of Help for Parents

In his book Between Parent and Child, Dr. Haim Ginott shares, “Certain patterns of relating to children are almost always self-defeating; not only do they fail to attain our long-term goals, but they often create havoc at home here and now" (Ginott, 2003) This Blog will focus on 5 of these.

1I Triple Dog Dare You! 

Jody walked into the room and found 3-year-old Sally writing on the wall with her crayon. She took the crayon, sat Sally at the table with some paper. “We only color on paper!” She said firmly. A few minutes later Sally was coloring on the wall again. This time Jody took all the crayons and put them where Sally could not reach them. “Only on paper” she repeated. Sally learned that if she wanted to use the crayons, she could not color on the walls. This way of teaching children is much more effective, it avoids the fight that usually arises from repeatedly threatening to remove the privilege, toy or dessert. If you’re going to do it, just do it. This also protects you from ever saying you will do something you would never do, which is not ever a good idea. 

Threatening children strengthens their desire to prove their autonomy. Autonomy is a deep need we all have. If you really don’t want something done, don’t say “I triple dog dare you” in so many words.

2Bribe Now, Pay Later

Using If-Then wording only conditions children to expect to be rewarded for “good “behavior. Rewards are best done as surprises after the good behavior. It shows appreciation rather than doubt. If- then statements tell children you don’t believe they will do what you have requested without some kind of reward. If children get used to being rewarded for everything they should naturally do, you will pay for it in the end.  It's much better to keep quiet until you catch them doing something right.  Remember your reward doesn’t have to be physical. You might say, “Because you made your bed, I had time to get everything done I needed to do today! How would you like to play a game of checkers?”

3Promises Can Be Painful

                                                                                                                     

“But you Promised!!” We’ve all heard those heartbreaking words from our children. They simply don’t have the ability to understand that we don’t always control the world, the weather, the schedule. After all, we do usually control theirs.

“Since life is not without mishaps children come to feel betrayed and convinced that parents cannot be trusted” when the thing they have set their heart on has to be postponed....When parents must make promises to emphasize that they mean what they say, then they are as much as admitting that their “un-promised” word is not trustworthy" (Haim G Ginnot, Between Parent and Child, Pg. 61).

More About Promises

4Sarcasm  Cutting Remarks  Bleed Over

What intelligent parent can’t get this through his thick skull? If I tried to teach you something after beginning with that statement. Where would your mind be. I think it would be so busy finding some fault in me and coming up with some snotty retort in return, that you wouldn’t hear a thing I said.

“Parents may not be aware that sarcastic statements are attacks that invite counter attacks". (Ginott, 2003)

"Bitter sarcasm and cutting clichés have no place in child upbringing. It is best to avoid statements such as “What makes you think you know all the answers? You don’t even have the brains you were born with. You think you’re so smart!” Wittingly or unwittingly, we should not deflate the child’s status in his own eyes and in the eyes of his peers. Such comments block communication by stirring children to preoccupation with revenge fantasies” (Ginott 2003).

5 Less is More

“Every parent needs to learn economical methods of responding to children, so that minor mishaps do not turn into major catastrophes” (Ginott, 2003).

Be Brief:

“Al’s mother was saying goodbye to visitors in the driveway, eight-year-old Al ran up with a long tearful complaint against his older brother: “Whenever I have a friend over, Ted finds an excuse to tease us. He never leaves us alone. You have to stop him! In the past she would have yelled at Ted, this time she looked at Ted and said, “Ted, you choose. You can get the usual lecture or take care of the complaint yourself.’’ Ted laughed and answered, “Okay, Mom, I’ll bug off.’’ This brief reply prevented a futile argument” (Ginott, 2003). 

Use Humor:

If your child seems to be criticizing you, why not respond with, “I did something right once. I produced you”.  This may express your authority with “humor and brevity” (Ginott, 2003).

Try Selective Silence:

This method allows children the time to think of the very things we would normally be lecturing on. Lenny was struggling through his second math page. The day before had been spent playing in the snow instead of doing his homework. Now he was stuck, he dejectedly approached his mother to ask for help. She said, “You are frustrated that you have math, and you would rather be playing.” “Yes.” “You are angry because you can’t figure out the problems quickly.” “Yes” Lenny turned to his book pointing out the problem in question. Mother gave an explanation. Later Lenny confided in Dad, “I wish I hadn’t spent so much time playing yesterday, then I wouldn’t have had so much to do today.” Lenny gave himself the lecture his parents normally would have given.

References

Ginott, H. G., Ginott, A., & Goddard, H. W. (2003). Between parent and child: The bestselling classic that revolutionized parent-child communication. Three Rivers Press. 

The Parenting Pyramid

 

The Parenting Pyramid

from

Arbinger Institute 

Have you ever wondered why you just don't seem to be connecting with your children?  

Ask yourself these questions.

Am I correcting without teaching?

What is the quality of  my relationship with my child?

What is the quality of my relationship with my spouse?

How  pure is my way of being?

I like this visual model called "The Parenting Pyramid" from The Arbinger Institute. It represents the areas we need to be focused on to develop good relationships, especially with our children. It shows where we should be spending most of our parenting time. But when asked, most parents confess they  spend most of their time correcting their children and much less time in the other areas. If we follow this model it's clear that we should be spending most of our time in the bottom sections of the pyramid.

Personal Way of Being

 Our personal way of being is the most important and the first thing we should be focused on in order to improve our parenting style and success. We need to learn to have an outward mindset.  This allows us to have a "heart at peace". When our heart is at peace towards ourselves and others we have a solid foundation to build on. For more information on how to do this, here are two excellent reads!

Relationship with our Spouse 

I guess I didn't realize how important the relationship with my spouse was in my success towards parenting our children, but who else has more influence on them, so it makes sense. Building a relationship with those who have influence upon our children helps us have a better relationship with them. When this person is their other parent, it provides a more secure foundation for both parent and child as they develop their relationship.

"Mother and father loving each other provides a stable environment in which a child can grow and thrive. It also gives the child two great role models, who show him/her how to treat one another and have great and loving relationships. Loving the child but not his/her mother (or father) does the opposite. It creates conflict and an unstable environment for the child, with all the negative consequences generated by instability" (Hans de Ruiter).  

Parent Child Relationship

Aha!Parenting.com shares 10 ways we can work on connecting with our children. Aim for 12 physical connections every day, play, turn off technology, connect before transitions, one on one time, welcome emotion, listen and empathize, savor the moment, bedtime snuggle and chat, show up. Pick a few of these and get started. 

Teaching

The next level of the pyramid is teaching. Boyd K Packer a master teacher has said we should not approach teaching in a "Ready or not you shall be taught" attitude but rather prepare ourselves to teach when our children are ready to learn. This takes careful observation of their temperaments and a willingness to adapt to their needs rather than focusing only on our desires. It makes sense that building a good relationship with them is needed before this step will be successful. (Packer, Ensign, Dec 1977)

Correcting

When we approach parenting in this manner, we will find that we spend much less time correcting our children. The correction we do engage in will be an outgrowth of our teaching. Because we have taken the time to observe, play with, love, and nurture our children, they will be more willing to understand when corrections need to be made. 

More about the Parenting Pyramid

So often we ask ourselves, "what can we do now that things have gone wrong?" This is not a bad question. The Parenting Pyramid is the answer. We can go from asking that question all the time to focusing on this one. "How can we help things go right?"  The answer to the challenge we are facing in one area of the pyramid ALWAYS lies below that area of the pyramid. If I am not being successful in one area I need to look below that area and make sure the lower areas are strong to provide the foundation needed to progress to the other areas.  

Follow this link to hear Dr. Dave Schramm a renowned family therapist and creator of Thrive In Five, describe the  Parenting Pyramid . 

 

(Schramm, 2021)

References

Arbinger Institute. (2006). The anatomy of peace: Resolving heart conflict. Berrett-Koehler Publishers.

DWECK, C. A. R. O. L. (2017). Mindset - updated edition: Changing the way you think to fulfil your potential. ROBINSON.

Schramm, D. (2021, April 16). Parenting pyramid | dr. Dave Schramm | thrive in five. The Parenting Pyramid. Retrieved February 11, 2023, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NothdeMIggw&t=3s

Those close moments that make our hearts melt are what makes parenting worth all the sacrifices. (n.d.). Retrieved February 11, 2023, from https://www.ahaparenting.com/read/10-habits-to-stay-connected-to-your-child