Thoughts skills and ideas on marriage and parenting
Saturday, February 11, 2023
Emotion Coaching
Emotion Coaching
Everyone has emotions. As adults we've had years to learn to handle our emotions, but children may be experiencing some powerful emotions for the first time. They need help learning about emotions just as they need help to learn the other skills that we teach them as parents, however teaching children about emotions often gets ignored. This makes sense because many parents have not been taught to acknowledge, accept, and direct, their own emotions which they don't know how to handle and so have ignored in themselves. This is an important skill to learn because children learn by watching us, and through our teaching efforts. Dr. John Gottman says that the first step to emotion coaching is to ask ourselves how we feel about emotions? He calls this Meta-emotion which is how we feel about feelings. "What do we think about them? What is our attitude towards specific emotions? Do we think they are a good thing or that they really mess things up?" Gottman, J. M. (2004). What am I feeling? Parenting Press. The way we feel about emotions effects the way we teach our children about emotion. Gottman, widely known for his work with couples, conducted a study at the University of Illinois and then at the University of Washington, in which he found that "Meta-emotion mismatches between parents in that study predicted divorce with 80% accuracy". This inspired him to find out more about how to help couples and children as well. If you would like to learn more about Gottman's research follow the links. Shapiro, Alyson F., Gottman, John M., Fink, Brandi C (December 2015) Short-Term Change in Couples’ Conflict Following a Transition to Parenthood Intervention, American Psychological Association;
"Basic emotions are the same across species and experienced the same way, like colors on a pallet but the way we feel about them differs between people" (see Gottman, 2004).
Lets take a look at some different styles of parenting when it comes to handling their children's emotions.
Four Parenting Styles and Their Effects on Children
from Gottman Institute
The Dismissing Parent
"They learn that their feelings are wrong, inappropriate, not valid. They may learn that there is something inherently wrong with them because of the way they feel. They may have difficulty regulating their own emotions."
The Disapproving Parent
"They learn that their feelings are wrong, inappropriate, not valid. They may learn that there is something inherently wrong with them because of the way they feel. They may have difficulty regulating their own emotions."
The Laissez-Faire Parent
"They don’t learn to regulate their emotions. They have trouble concentrating, forming friendships, and getting along with other children."
The Emotion Coach
"They learn to trust their feelings, regulate their own emotions, and solve problems. They have a high self-esteem, learn well, and get along well with others."
"Children who understand the importance of emotions and know how to communicate their feelings, will be better able to manage life's challenges." (Gottman, 2004)
Although we all want to be good parents, we may struggle because we weren't emotionally coached as children and may have negative feelings about emotions ourselves. If you want to see what type of parenting style you have take this quiz. Remember we can all learn and grow.
Five Steps of Emotion Coaching
Emotional Awareness
"Being aware of emotions, both yours and your childs. When we are aware of our own emotions its a lot easier to help our children be aware of theirs.
Connecting
Recognizing emotional moments as times to draw close to your child and help them understand that their emotional feelings count.
Listening with Empathy
If your child does not feel criticism, disapproval, or indifference your child will be more willing to share his feelings and work through them for a solution.
Naming Emotions
By naming feelings you are helping your child build their emotional vocabulary. This allows him to talk about his emotional feelings with those who can help.
Finding Good Solutions
Starts with setting limits. Helping your child find better solutions."
(GroupworkSolutions, 2020)
This video, based on Dr. John Gottman's book What Am I Feeling?, is full of explanations and examples, both right and wrong, of how to coach your child emotionally. It also discusses why it is so important. I hope you take time to watch it. It is excellent!! It also reassures us that not even parents that use emotion coaching do it one hundred percent of the time. Be patient with yourself as you learn to put emotion coaching into your parenting.
(GroupworkSolutions, 2020)
“Much of today’s popular advice to parents ignores emotion,” says Dr. Gottman. “Instead it relies on child-rearing theories that address children’s misbehavior, but disregards the feelings that underlie that misbehavior. The ultimate goal of raising children should not be simply to have an obedient and compliant child. Most parents hope for much more for their children.https://www.gottman.com/about/research/parenting/
Best of luck as you strive to become an even better parent!
References
Gottman. (2020, April 7). Parenting - Research. The Gottman Institute. Retrieved
February 11, 2023, from https://www.gottman.com/about/research/parenting/
Gottman, J. (2021). The four parenting styles - The Gottman Institute. The Gottman Institute. Retrieved February 11, 2023, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-parenting-styles/
The Gottman Institute. (2021, February 4). Quiz: What style of parent are you? . The Gottman Institute. Retrieved February 11, 2023, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/what-style-of-parent-are-you/
Gottman, J. M. (2004). What Am I Feeling. Parenting Press.
YouTube Gottman Institute . (2020). Emotion Coaching. YouTube Emotional Coaching. Retrieved February 11, 2023, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jWJlRTi7YH8&t=4s.
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