A Handful of Help for Parents

In his book Between Parent and Child, Dr. Haim Ginott shares, “Certain patterns of relating to children are almost always self-defeating; not only do they fail to attain our long-term goals, but they often create havoc at home here and now" (Ginott, 2003) This Blog will focus on 5 of these.

1I Triple Dog Dare You! 

Jody walked into the room and found 3-year-old Sally writing on the wall with her crayon. She took the crayon, sat Sally at the table with some paper. “We only color on paper!” She said firmly. A few minutes later Sally was coloring on the wall again. This time Jody took all the crayons and put them where Sally could not reach them. “Only on paper” she repeated. Sally learned that if she wanted to use the crayons, she could not color on the walls. This way of teaching children is much more effective, it avoids the fight that usually arises from repeatedly threatening to remove the privilege, toy or dessert. If you’re going to do it, just do it. This also protects you from ever saying you will do something you would never do, which is not ever a good idea. 

Threatening children strengthens their desire to prove their autonomy. Autonomy is a deep need we all have. If you really don’t want something done, don’t say “I triple dog dare you” in so many words.

2Bribe Now, Pay Later

Using If-Then wording only conditions children to expect to be rewarded for “good “behavior. Rewards are best done as surprises after the good behavior. It shows appreciation rather than doubt. If- then statements tell children you don’t believe they will do what you have requested without some kind of reward. If children get used to being rewarded for everything they should naturally do, you will pay for it in the end.  It's much better to keep quiet until you catch them doing something right.  Remember your reward doesn’t have to be physical. You might say, “Because you made your bed, I had time to get everything done I needed to do today! How would you like to play a game of checkers?”

3Promises Can Be Painful

                                                                                                                     

“But you Promised!!” We’ve all heard those heartbreaking words from our children. They simply don’t have the ability to understand that we don’t always control the world, the weather, the schedule. After all, we do usually control theirs.

“Since life is not without mishaps children come to feel betrayed and convinced that parents cannot be trusted” when the thing they have set their heart on has to be postponed....When parents must make promises to emphasize that they mean what they say, then they are as much as admitting that their “un-promised” word is not trustworthy" (Haim G Ginnot, Between Parent and Child, Pg. 61).

More About Promises

4Sarcasm  Cutting Remarks  Bleed Over

What intelligent parent can’t get this through his thick skull? If I tried to teach you something after beginning with that statement. Where would your mind be. I think it would be so busy finding some fault in me and coming up with some snotty retort in return, that you wouldn’t hear a thing I said.

“Parents may not be aware that sarcastic statements are attacks that invite counter attacks". (Ginott, 2003)

"Bitter sarcasm and cutting clichés have no place in child upbringing. It is best to avoid statements such as “What makes you think you know all the answers? You don’t even have the brains you were born with. You think you’re so smart!” Wittingly or unwittingly, we should not deflate the child’s status in his own eyes and in the eyes of his peers. Such comments block communication by stirring children to preoccupation with revenge fantasies” (Ginott 2003).

5 Less is More

“Every parent needs to learn economical methods of responding to children, so that minor mishaps do not turn into major catastrophes” (Ginott, 2003).

Be Brief:

“Al’s mother was saying goodbye to visitors in the driveway, eight-year-old Al ran up with a long tearful complaint against his older brother: “Whenever I have a friend over, Ted finds an excuse to tease us. He never leaves us alone. You have to stop him! In the past she would have yelled at Ted, this time she looked at Ted and said, “Ted, you choose. You can get the usual lecture or take care of the complaint yourself.’’ Ted laughed and answered, “Okay, Mom, I’ll bug off.’’ This brief reply prevented a futile argument” (Ginott, 2003). 

Use Humor:

If your child seems to be criticizing you, why not respond with, “I did something right once. I produced you”.  This may express your authority with “humor and brevity” (Ginott, 2003).

Try Selective Silence:

This method allows children the time to think of the very things we would normally be lecturing on. Lenny was struggling through his second math page. The day before had been spent playing in the snow instead of doing his homework. Now he was stuck, he dejectedly approached his mother to ask for help. She said, “You are frustrated that you have math, and you would rather be playing.” “Yes.” “You are angry because you can’t figure out the problems quickly.” “Yes” Lenny turned to his book pointing out the problem in question. Mother gave an explanation. Later Lenny confided in Dad, “I wish I hadn’t spent so much time playing yesterday, then I wouldn’t have had so much to do today.” Lenny gave himself the lecture his parents normally would have given.

References

Ginott, H. G., Ginott, A., & Goddard, H. W. (2003). Between parent and child: The bestselling classic that revolutionized parent-child communication. Three Rivers Press.